GETTING A LITTLE PERSONAL HERE...

As you may have noticed, I hardly post personal stuff on my business pages. I think the first and only photo I have ever posted that was personal was on my birthday last month. I just always have kept it business related and may throw a few personal things here and there, but nothing too major. Last weekend for Mother's Day, I had told my husband I wanted one gift, and that one gift was that I wanted photos with our son. He has taken photos of us in the past, but they came out BAD LOL. This time, I didn't care how they came out, I just wanted them. We went to my favorite field and I taught my husband some basics, set up the camera for him, then I came home and edited them. I did share some of these images of my son and I on Instagram last week. For Facebook, I wanted to share it with you all on a blog post. As a Mother, these photos mean everything to me. This is one of the best gifts my husband could have ever given me. These photos are forever available for my son to see when he is older and his kids, to see as well. These are photos that I am in the process of printing to hang around in our home. This is why I always stress so much for Moms to get in the photos, no matter how you think you "look." 

When I became pregnant with my son, I developed some depression. I wasn't medically diagnosed until after his birth, when he was about 2 weeks old. I had developed these horrible intrusive thoughts and was actually thinking I was going crazy. Long story short, my husband forced me to go get help and I did. I was put on medication right away and was doing "okay" for a few weeks. I was also a stay at home mom which some may think it was a good thing but I was drowning in loneliness as well. I was so in between being blessed and grateful to have the privilege to stay home with the baby but I felt so alone. One day I thought to myself "I cannot live off of pills." That same night, I took the bottle, threw it away and told my husband "I threw away the bottle, Im going to get better on my own." Well, It didn't work. I then just tried praying, and natural remedies. It got better but it was still there. A few months after that, I decided to get on medication again. I was on it for a few weeks and I just couldn't take the migraines they were giving me. The doctor gave me a lower dosage and I just felt like a zombie, so I got off of them yet again. A few months go by and by this time, my son is about 1.5 years old. I started to notice some new symptoms I've never had before. I go yet again to the doctor, I come out of there diagnosed with Anxiety. Never in my right mind would I have thought I would ever have Anxiety. Depression? Maybe. But Anxiety? Never. It got so severe that I literally would shake and would call my poor Husband while he was working having an anxiety attack. My intrusive thoughts were getting worse. Horrible thoughts that I don't even want to explain. I got on medication, for the third time, for Anxiety and Depression. Migraines came back, even worse this time and got off of them for the third time. I started using Thrive. That's my husbands side business. It has been was has kept me off medication so far. I've been off medication for a year or so. I am very proud of that. I understand now that there is no cure or anything I can do to take all of this away. God is in control and he knows me best. 

In life, you can have everything. You can have nice cars, a nice home, money, anything but nothing beats having a good mental health, in my opinion. It's weird to say, but I miss my mental health but I would never trade my son for that. I would just make sure to get better help and still be able to have my son at the same time. He has been what has kept me going and has given me strength. My husband has been a big part of my support as well, because of him, I got help. 

Every year, a few months before my son's birthday, I get really depressed. His birthday is in July. I had a very traumatic birth that ended up in an emergency c- section with some complications. So, yes, it's almost July and I am really sad. It's weird to think that instead of being so happy on my son's birthday, I can sure act like it, but I am the saddest I could ever be. I literally get flashbacks, real life flashbacks that makes me think I am back in that moment in time. It's very hard to admit that. When my son was about 2.5 years old, some health issues came up, he had surgery in January of this year and it honestly keeps me busy. Running this business and having his follow up appointments, therapies, studies and tests, keeps me busy, very busy. My son is doing so good and growing so fast. He has been my strength. It's weird to say because he is just a tiny human who is only about to be 3, but he is literally my strength. Those who know me very well, know I am a HUGE family person. I literally will leave everything behind for my family. They also keep me busy, and I am very okay with that. 

Anxiety and Depression are really ugly words. I'm so sick and tired of it letting define my life. I sometimes feel like it's something I cannot escape and this year has been very hard but such a blessing. My son had surgery, I was horribly sick for one month but I booked 4 weddings in the past 2 months, we bought a brand new car, so now we have 2 nice cars. We have had a few health scares with my husband and my son, but all in the end, God is still with us and what is meant to be, is meant to be. 

I am actually very good at looking like I have my life together, and I almost do, just not mentally. But my son is the reason I have searched for God, found him and love him more every single day. I pray for those who deal with mental issues, especially Mothers, not because we are any different, but because I can relate. We are all very strong people. There have been many times in the past 3 years that I remembered being in such a dark place in my life. I prayed so hard that I actually didn't know what I was praying for, but I am here, praying hard every day and trying to live life the best way that I can. I have been medically diagnosed, I did not and will not diagnose myself, ever. I just know that one day it will all get better, I just have to do something about it and wait, be patient. THANK YOU GOD FOR THIS BEAUTIFUL LIFE I HAVE TO LIVE AND THANK YOU GOD FOR THIS BEAUTIFUL HUMAN BEING MY HUSBAND AND I BROUGHT INTO THIS WORLD. My husband and my son have saved me. 

Janira Aybar